As the year 2023 ends and 2024 begins, it’s important to highlight all the major events that occurred during the year, as well as commemorate all the moments that made this year in particular special for UT Martin. This includes not only the good times but also the trying times. Nevertheless, we all survived this wonderful, turbulent year, so it only seems right to give one last news roundup to say goodbye to 2023 and prepare for the new year ahead.
January
26th– Keith Carver announces he will be leaving his position as Chancellor of the University of Tennessee at Martin to take a new position as Senior Vice Chancellor of the UT Institute of Agriculture. The news was met with great hope tinged with melancholy from UTM students and faculty alike, and replies of “Ok, cool,” from UTIA students.
31st– The first major snowstorm of the year hit the Martin campus, canceling classes for two days. In preparation for the icy conditions, the maintenance crew poured 1 cup of salt on the sidewalks outside of each dorm building and hoped for the best.
February
13th– UT Martin welcomed two new therapy dogs to campus to assist with counseling services at the Student Health Center. Doc and Dolly have remained a friendly presence on campus ever since, but only those two. If you’ve seen a third, nearly identical dog walking alongside Doc and Dolly, you should keep that information to yourself.
23rd– The University held a special celebration for Chancellor Carver in the lobby of the Latimer building to honor his service to the university and West Tennessee over the past 6 years. Although many were happy to share their gratitude and wish Carver well going into his new job, there was some disappointment that the giant six-foot ice bust of Keith Carver that also served as a chocolate fountain was canceled due to the unseasonably warm weather.
28th– The first ever annual Keith Carver Day is celebrated in Martin. Carver joined pancakes and chocolate souffles in being recognized annually on February 28.
March
1st– A mass threatening email that sounded like it was written by a 13-year-old on 4chan was sent out to the entire campus. The culprit was quickly found due to the fact they were one of only three people in the state who still use Cricket Wireless, and their entire cell phone number was part of the email address.
2nd– “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” opens at Vanguard Theater to much praise. Audiences were especially impressed by the choice to have a human being play Snoopy, instead of casting a talking anthropomorphic beagle for the role, as is customary.
16th– The pool at the Elam Center is permanently closed. This decision proved the old law that no matter how few people use something, tons of people will complain and say they loved that thing when you take it away.
April
4th– Student Government Association holds their annual elections. The results between the two parties are incredibly even, setting up a horribly inaccurate expectation for students regarding the competitiveness of Tennessee elections once they get out of college.
13th—15th– UT Martin Rodeo week sees a 300% increase in non-ironic cowboy hat purchases and sightings on campus, along with a similar increase in non-ironic buyer’s remorse following rodeo week.
22nd– I <3 UTM week ends with a concert from NLE Choppa. The realization hits many that there’s no way the University is ever getting Yung Gravy back for another concert.
May
6th & 7th: Spring commencement sees another group of Skyhawks graduate. They are, as usual, wildly unprepared for life after college; some of them to a degree that any ethical philosopher would call it cruel to leave these former students to their own devices.
23rd– The giant flower statue on the quad is destroyed. The flower, although ugly, was universally admired by all who passed it on campus; a sentiment often also applied to Canadian actor Martin Short.
June
Nothing of note has ever happened on the UTM campus during the month of June.
July
14th– Dr. Yancy Freeman is approved as the new chancellor of UT Martin. The nickname “Chancy Yancy” stuck almost immediately and gave Dr. Freeman and good idea of what he’d gotten himself into and what kind of people he’d be dealing with. Honestly, he’s a much better man than many of us for sticking around after that point.
August
17th– Thousands of new freshmen move into their dorms during Move-In Mania. Thousands of resident insects and spiders are evicted from their dorms during Move-In Mania.
22nd– The city of Martin decides that the first day of classes at UT Martin is the perfect day to begin the weeks-long road construction of University Street. This decision inconvenienced absolutely no one.
September
2nd—9th– The last ever Soybean Festival is held in Martin, Tennessee with all the enthusiasm of a hospice patient who knows it’s their time to finally shuffle off this mortal coil. Instead of the Soybean Festival, Martin residents next year will be invited to sit quietly in their homes during the week, thinking about their life choices up to that point in the dark silence.
October
4th– A test of the nationwide emergency alert system acts as the ultimate narc for students who weren’t supposed to have their phones out in class.
15th– UTM celebrates homecoming with a 90s theme– “UTM is ALL THAT!” –after last year’s 70s themed homecoming celebration. Next year’s homecoming will likely be 50s themed, followed by the 60s, 2000s, 40s, 30s and finally the 70s again. Having a 1980s themed homecoming will be avoided at all costs.
20th– UV1 is renamed to Arnold Pryor Place and UV2 is renamed to Conner Community. From that day forward, referring to the dorms by their previous names will earn residents 2 minutes in the “shame corner” behind Cooper Hall.
November
2nd—5th– The UTM Theatre department puts on a production of “Legally Blonde.” The spectacular performances, stellar music and fantastic vocal work are lost on much of the audience, who all simultaneously thought, “Hey, this is like the Barbie movie!” the second a flash of pink came on stage.
13th– The traffic light on University Street is finally fixed after a year and a half. Despite all the fear and hate going on in the world, residents of the city of Martin put aside their differences for one day and just appreciated the traffic light finally working again, together, as a community.
14th– A deer crashes into the window of The Grind, injuring one patron before calmly getting up and walking out. A security cam video of the incident goes semi-viral online and leads to a bunch of really bad deer puns.
December
30th– The month-long demolition of Grove Apartments is finally complete. No one is sure what’s going to go in the newly opened space, but that’s sort of like life, right? A space opens up, and although you don’t know what to use to fill that space, you’re happy you have the freedom to make that choice. What matters most is that the old part of yourself, and everything you didn’t like about it, is finally replaced by that clean, open space and the joy of opportunity. (It’s probably going to be a parking lot.)
This article is a work of satire, and is thus not meant to be taken literally.
